Nine months ago, my husband and I embarked on a journey that would change our lives forever. Since we married 4 years ago, we knew the one thing we both wanted more than anything was to have a family. We were so happy when we took the first pregnancy test that cold November morning and it was positive, we were even more excited when we read the plus sign on the fifth test. Excitement overwhelmed us and we cherished each day of our lives until 3 months later. We got up early and waited with anticipation as we sat in the waiting room. We were about to hear the heart beat of the little being that nestled warm inside me. As we sat there holding each other, we joked that we might see two babies, maybe three. Wouldn't that be something?
The ultra sound technician took us into a room where I got prepared to see my baby for the first time. My husband and I saw the most beautiful sight on the screen, our baby, so sweet and small. I knew that something was wrong when the technicians voice cracked and she seemed to be struggling with what she wanted to say to us. But she finally got the words out that I will never forget, "I am sorry, but there does not appear to be a heartbeat. "What?" I thought. Look again, something is wrong. But she wasn't, she wasn't wrong at all. She told us that it appeared that our baby had passed weeks ago. Weeks ago? How could I have not known this? I don't remember much after this moment. I think I went into a shock. I do remember my doctor coming in, hugging me, and then a nurse calling me later that day to schedule a surgery that would remove the fetus.
I spent the next 4 days crying. The day of the surgery was the worst day of my life. I was quiet that day, I didn't want to talk to anyone except my baby. I woke up early so I could spend the next 6 hours talking to my belly. I told my child everything that I could think of, from how much I loved him to my dreams that I had for him. I was never the same after that day. My life changed forever.
So why Blueberry? A few weeks after our doctor confirmed that we were indeed pregnant, my husband sent me an e-mail. The e-mail (which I still have to this day) was a picture of a blueberry and it said "Hi Mom!" My husband had read on line that our baby at the time was the size of a blueberry. So the name just stuck and we called the baby "Blue" or "Blueberry" from there on out.
I spent months reading books about pregnancy loss, spent hours on pregnancy loss blogs, and spent hours upon hours searching the internet for stories with happy endings. All though these are all great resources for women and men who are going through the loss of a child, it did not work for me. I stressed myself out because I couldn't figure out how to find support that worked for me. So one day I picked up my journal and a pen and wrote to Blue. I cried and let my heart pour out into the words and it amazed me how at peace I felt afterward. I realized that I was confronting my fear of thinking that I would somehow forget Blue if I moved on. I knew I would never be the same and that I would never forget the 3 months that I spent with Blue. I wanted to keep Blue alive in my heart and in a way, spend time with him each day even though it was through thoughts.
So why am I blogging my journal? Well, I hope that I can bring comfort to someone else that is going though the same journey as my husband and I have gone through. It was not easy and is still not easy. I still struggle some days. We are currently looking into infertility treatments and the fears of going through this pain again weighs heavy on my heart. So on a selfish level, I hope blogging is therapeutic for me. It gives me a goal to reach each day; writing to my child to remind him just how much I love him, but also give others an opportunity to relate to someone who has had the same experience.
I hope if you are reading this blog, it brings peace to your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment