The end of August...

Dear Blue,
Last day of August is here. It is so hard to believe that we were taken away from one another nearly 7 months ago. WHY? Why did this happen? It isn't fair. I am tired of people telling me life isn't fair...Your daddy and I wanted you more than anything. Why did God take you away from us? To be honest, the only thought I have that brings any kind of comfort to me is that God needed you more than we did. God has a special plan for you and that is why he took you to live with him. I bet you are his number 1 angel, you probably are sitting on his shoulder right now learning the ways of the world. I do hope that you are happy Blue. I love you so much...You are my number 1 ANGEL!

Mommy

August 2010

Dear Blue,
Sitting here thinking about you. I know I tell you all the time about your daddy and I, but there are so many other people that couldn't wait to meet you too. Your grandma and grandpa P. were so excited when they found out about you. I know you would have loved them both. They are kind, understanding, and fun. Your grandma would have spoiled you, but all out of love of course. She is a very sweet momma to me. I wish you could meet her. She is fun to be around too. I love to play practical jokes on her, especially using fake snakes! Your grandpa is a wonderful person too. He is the type of person that would do anything for anyone and ask nothing in return. Your grandpa would take you fishing and mushroom hunting, 2 of his favorite things to do.
These are just 2 of the many people that your life touched. I was just thinking about how much it hurt to see my parents upset when they found out that your little life was cut short. And I realized that losing you not only crushed your daddy and I, but so many other people too. I think it is important for you to know that you didn't have to be born to be loved. We love you more than any words can express. We miss you. And I can say with confidence that there is not a single day that goes by that we ALL don't think about you.

Mommy loves you.

My dream

Dear Blue,
It is amazing to your daddy and I about how much we both dream about you at night. Sometimes our dreams are so real that we don't want to wake up from it. My favorite dream I have had of you so far was the one where you were laying next to me and daddy and we were counting your toes and tickling your belly. You were laughing and the giggle you had was the sweetest sound ever! Our dog and cat were with us too and it was a wonderful sight.
I miss you Blue, I miss you so much that sometimes I have a hard time concentrating on anything but you. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.

Love,
Mommy

What was to be happy BIRTHday

Dear Blue,
I can not believe this day is here. I miss you so much. I feel as if I have been robbed of the most special gift that one could ever have...you, my baby. WHY? Why did this happen to you, your daddy and I? We loved you before you were ever conceived, we loved you more than any person could ever love another one. I can rant and rave all day and it won't bring you back. I can cry until I have no tears left, but it won't bring you back. And you know what, that is the hardest part...I can't bring you back. So many people told me that in time my heart would heal and I would be able to move forward, I just do not think that is possible. Every day I miss you more and more. I wish you were here.
With love forever,
Mommy

Summer is ending...

Blue,
Summer is coming to a close. Soon it will be mommy's favorite time of the year...FALL! I love everything about fall. The weather turns perfect for me, not too hot, not too cold...just right. I love to open the windows and listen to the leaves scatter across the road. I love the smell of fall. The best way for me to describe the smell is a warm pumpkin pie baking in the oven. I had planned in my mind that I would be taking you on your first hay ride in the upcoming months. I really wish you were on your way to me. I wish that I was waiting in anticipation to hold you for the first time. All though I feel robbed of this, I feel worse for you. I don't think it is fair that you never got to experience life. I know you would have been the best part of mine and your daddy's. Even though you are not with us to hold and cherish each moment, you are held in our hearts and we cherish the memories of the time that we did have.

Love you
Mommy

August 2010

Hi Blue,
I can't believe that I would have been expecting your arrival any day now. I think about that all the time. I wonder who you would have looked like. Would you look like me or daddy? I wonder what your cry would have sounded like, would it be soft or loud? Oh how I miss you. It seems like it was forever ago that we found out that you were real, you were this perfect little being that was made out of soooo much love. Your daddy and I met nearly 6 years ago. I told everyone I knew that I was just not interested in him after we met for the first time. But I really was interested. I found your daddy to be an absolute sweetie. He was kind and sincere. As we sat talking for the first time over coffee I knew that he would be the one that I would be with for the rest of my life. Now of course, I didn't want to believe that nor did I want any one else to know that this had even crossed though my mind. I tired to fight the feelings off, I even cancelled several dates with your daddy. But I kept going back to the thought of our first date and how much I enjoyed his company. With in three months of meeting, I decided that I needed to follow my heart and call him. And from there on out, it was history. I didn't even tell your grandma and grandpa about him until months later. I was so afraid to follow my heart. My heart had been broken a few times before and I felt that it would happen again.
The moral of this story is to follow your heart. Don't be afraid. Sometimes it is easier to let fears and past experiences lead the way, but if you follow your heart, you may find what you have been looking for all along.

Love you so much,
Mommy

August 2010

Dear Blue,
When you were growing inside of me, I had many things I planned on teaching you. One of the things I wanted to teach you was to be kind to ALL people. Kindness is one of the nicest gifts a person can give to another. I would have even taught you to be kind to even the meanest people because they are the ones that need it most.
Love you,
Mommy

August 2010 dedication

Blue,
Tonight I went to my yoga class and dedicated my meditation to you. It was a peaceful meditation where I was able to rid myself of a lot of guilt that I have been feeling.
G-U-I-L-T is something that consumes a person, especially a mother who tries to think of everything she did wrong to cause the miscarriage. Was I not healthy enough, did I not want my child enough, was I being punished for past imperfections, and/or was I just not deserving of such a gift? Things like these and many others went through my head over and over again.

But tonight, with the help of yoga; I was able to release a lot of the guilt. I think I was able to tell myself that this was not a choice I made, nor was it a choice made by my actions. I didn't want to lose you.

Sweet dreams little one. I love you.
Mommy

August 2010

Good morning Blue,
As I sit here this morning, I think about you. I think about how I would be feeling right now if you were still here. Would I be scared? Maybe a little, you would be getting ready to come into this world. Would I be ready? I don't think I would know that until it actually happened, but I know that I would be ready to love you forever! I wish I had an answer. I wish someone would just tell me why I lost you. I don't even know why I want this, I guess I just need to know. I have my one and only picture of you on my bedside table. I look at you every night before I go to bed and you are the first thing I look at in the morning. You are sooooo cute. You have little arms and little legs. You are so loved Blue.
Mommy XOXO

August 2010

Dear Blue,
Mommy can't sleep. I have been thinking about you all day. I just wanted to say hi and wish you sweet dreams. I hope I see you in mine.

Good night love.

July 2010

Dear Blue,
Today is a rainy, dreary day outside, much like how I am feeling inside. I miss you so much. I wish I could explain just how much but there are no words that can describe that feeling. I want you to know that even though we haven't met yet, you have my heart and it is because of you that I stay strong every day. When you were growing inside me, I felt the most peace that I had ever felt. I loved knowing that you were there. I will always cherish those days because they were the best days of my life. Everyday I wake up and realize that I am so lucky to have shared that time with you no matter how short it was.
I was thinking the other day while in line at the grocery store about how much I craved chocolate milk and cheese when I was pregnant with you. I remember needing lots of sleep too. My tummy hurt a lot but it was amazing how I didn't care because knowing that you were with me out weighed all of the tummy upset.
You and daddy are the loves of my life. And even though we are worlds apart, I think about you all the time, miss you like crazy, and love you with all of my heart.
Love Mommy

July 2010

Dear Blue,
Sometimes I see your daddy looking off into the sky and wonder what he is thinking about. I shouldn't have to ask because I know he is thinking about you, wondering where you are, how you are, and if you're happy. Your daddy is a scientist. He is so smart (one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him) and he wants to believe that you are safe and taken care of; but the gears in his scientific mind start to turn and it makes him wonder. That's in his mind though, in his heart he knows you are ok. I could go on for hours talking about your daddy and in time I will write and tell you everything about him. However, the first and most important thing I want you to know is how deeply in love with you he was and is. Even though you couldn't see or hear your daddy, he sent you kisses each night and told you he loved you. I know you never got to meet him and oh how I wish you could have. I hope you are just like him. I hope that you have his blue eyes, his eyelashes that curl on the ends, his right side dimple, and his mind. (I hope you don't have his hobbit toes, but then again I don't want you to have mine either!)
I wish I could see those feet and count those toes! Mommy and daddy love you to the moon and back.

July 2010

Dear Blue,
Your mommy is a giant ball of stress. I have always been this way. I can remember being stressed as a little kid. I would stress about my bedroom being messy. I worried myself sick that I would never get pregnant with you and guess what??? I did! Which by the way was the happiest day of my life. Some days I feel that I may have put too much stress on you and that is why you didn't make it. My doctors told me there wasn't anything I could have done differently, it was just something that happens sometimes. But that doesn't change the guilt and the fear that I have that I had something to do with it. Maybe I stressed so much that you couldn't grow. I will never know what caused the loss of you, but I am sorry if I caused it. i would go back in time and never worry about another thing if it meant that I'd be able to have you.
I am sending lots of kisses to Heaven and they are all for you.
Mommy

July 2010

Dear Blue,
Mommy misses you so much. The day you were to be delivered into this world is fast approaching. 8 months ago I wish this day would hurry up, now I dread it. I am so sad because I will never get to hold you, smell you, touch you, or give you kisses. The other day I dreamed you floated to Heaven to be with all the other babies that didn't have a chance to experience birth. I pictured you all wrapped up, sound asleep, with the tiniest little angel wings taking you up to Heaven. I saw a beautiful angel surrounded by all of you and she was singing to you. Her voice was beautiful. I knew that she was the one that was going to take care of you until the day that I meet you there. I cry everyday Blue because I miss you so much. But after this dream I felt peace. Peace knowing that you were in good hands. I will write again because there is so much I want to tell you.
Love always,
Mommy

Who is Blueberry?

Nine months ago, my husband and I embarked on a journey that would change our lives forever. Since we married 4 years ago, we knew the one thing we both wanted more than anything was to have a family. We were so happy when we took the first pregnancy test that cold November morning and it was positive, we were even more excited when we read the plus sign on the fifth test. Excitement overwhelmed us and we cherished each day of our lives until 3 months later. We got up early and waited with anticipation as we sat in the waiting room. We were about to hear the heart beat of the little being that nestled warm inside me. As we sat there holding each other, we joked that we might see two babies, maybe three. Wouldn't that be something?

The ultra sound technician took us into a room where I got prepared to see my baby for the first time. My husband and I saw the most beautiful sight on the screen, our baby, so sweet and small. I knew that something was wrong when the technicians voice cracked and she seemed to be struggling with what she wanted to say to us. But she finally got the words out that I will never forget, "I am sorry, but there does not appear to be a heartbeat. "What?" I thought. Look again, something is wrong. But she wasn't, she wasn't wrong at all. She told us that it appeared that our baby had passed weeks ago. Weeks ago? How could I have not known this? I don't remember much after this moment. I think I went into a shock. I do remember my doctor coming in, hugging me, and then a nurse calling me later that day to schedule a surgery that would remove the fetus.

I spent the next 4 days crying. The day of the surgery was the worst day of my life. I was quiet that day, I didn't want to talk to anyone except my baby. I woke up early so I could spend the next 6 hours talking to my belly. I told my child everything that I could think of, from how much I loved him to my dreams that I had for him. I was never the same after that day. My life changed forever.

So why Blueberry? A few weeks after our doctor confirmed that we were indeed pregnant, my husband sent me an e-mail. The e-mail (which I still have to this day) was a picture of a blueberry and it said "Hi Mom!" My husband had read on line that our baby at the time was the size of a blueberry. So the name just stuck and we called the baby "Blue" or "Blueberry" from there on out.

I spent months reading books about pregnancy loss, spent hours on pregnancy loss blogs, and spent hours upon hours searching the internet for stories with happy endings. All though these are all great resources for women and men who are going through the loss of a child, it did not work for me. I stressed myself out because I couldn't figure out how to find support that worked for me. So one day I picked up my journal and a pen and wrote to Blue. I cried and let my heart pour out into the words and it amazed me how at peace I felt afterward. I realized that I was confronting my fear of thinking that I would somehow forget Blue if I moved on. I knew I would never be the same and that I would never forget the 3 months that I spent with Blue. I wanted to keep Blue alive in my heart and in a way, spend time with him each day even though it was through thoughts.

So why am I blogging my journal? Well, I hope that I can bring comfort to someone else that is going though the same journey as my husband and I have gone through. It was not easy and is still not easy. I still struggle some days. We are currently looking into infertility treatments and the fears of going through this pain again weighs heavy on my heart. So on a selfish level, I hope blogging is therapeutic for me. It gives me a goal to reach each day; writing to my child to remind him just how much I love him, but also give others an opportunity to relate to someone who has had the same experience.

I hope if you are reading this blog, it brings peace to your heart.