Hello my babies,
Just wanted to tell you how much I miss you and love you. This has been the longest winter ever, I think it is because I miss you so. I love you and think about you every second of every day.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The sun will eventually shine thru...
Good afternoon Blue,
Oh how I miss you and Sweet Pea. There have been so many dark clouds looming over your daddy and I since the loss of you. It seems like our souls have been ripped out of our bodies and it keeps getting worse and worse. Just when we thought we cold cry no longer, hurt no more, we lost Sweet Pea. But I know that the sun is always there. It may be hiding right now, but it will shine through some day.
This journey we are on is one that is teaching us so much about life. I can't speak for daddy, but I can tell you my personal experience with all of this. Many, many years ago, I spent most of my day worrying about what others thought about me. I worried about people not liking me. Even up until we lost you, I was always CONSTANTLY worried about something that I look back now and realize that what I worried about was so trivial. Who cares if I gain five pounds? Who cares if I over sleep and have to wear my hair in a pony tail? Who cares if someone doesn't like what I have to say? Who cares if I choose not to do what everyone else thinks I should do? I am me and I have had experiences that have changed my life forever, that being you and Sweet Pea. Becoming a mother and then having my babies taken away made me realize the bigger picture. Blue, you gave me so many wonderful gifts. You gave me the gift of being a mother, the gift of love, the gift of peace, and the gift of learning what is most important in life. I am even a little embarrassed to say that out loud, because I would like to think that I already knew what should be important in life...I guess I always knew, I just didn't appreciate it as much. My family is my world!
I love you and Sweet Pea around the "world" and back a "zillion" times over!!!!
Mommy
Oh how I miss you and Sweet Pea. There have been so many dark clouds looming over your daddy and I since the loss of you. It seems like our souls have been ripped out of our bodies and it keeps getting worse and worse. Just when we thought we cold cry no longer, hurt no more, we lost Sweet Pea. But I know that the sun is always there. It may be hiding right now, but it will shine through some day.
This journey we are on is one that is teaching us so much about life. I can't speak for daddy, but I can tell you my personal experience with all of this. Many, many years ago, I spent most of my day worrying about what others thought about me. I worried about people not liking me. Even up until we lost you, I was always CONSTANTLY worried about something that I look back now and realize that what I worried about was so trivial. Who cares if I gain five pounds? Who cares if I over sleep and have to wear my hair in a pony tail? Who cares if someone doesn't like what I have to say? Who cares if I choose not to do what everyone else thinks I should do? I am me and I have had experiences that have changed my life forever, that being you and Sweet Pea. Becoming a mother and then having my babies taken away made me realize the bigger picture. Blue, you gave me so many wonderful gifts. You gave me the gift of being a mother, the gift of love, the gift of peace, and the gift of learning what is most important in life. I am even a little embarrassed to say that out loud, because I would like to think that I already knew what should be important in life...I guess I always knew, I just didn't appreciate it as much. My family is my world!
I love you and Sweet Pea around the "world" and back a "zillion" times over!!!!
Mommy
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Another angel...
Hi Blue,
Sweet pea is on her way to be with you in Heaven. We lost her last week. I know that the two of you are safe and loved so much. I am numb right now. There is nothing I can say because I am just so lost without you both. Your daddy and I love you and miss the two of you more than we can express. The one comfort I have now is that the two of you are together.
We love you.
Mommy
Sweet pea is on her way to be with you in Heaven. We lost her last week. I know that the two of you are safe and loved so much. I am numb right now. There is nothing I can say because I am just so lost without you both. Your daddy and I love you and miss the two of you more than we can express. The one comfort I have now is that the two of you are together.
We love you.
Mommy
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Miss you...
Dear my baby blue,
I don't know where to begin today, so I am going to start with I love you. It was a year ago this month that your daddy and I conceived you. That means that is when you started to grow inside of my belly. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. 12 months has crept by and I still miss you like it was yesterday. I want to hold you so badly that my heart hurts thinking about it. Some days I feel such guilt because I am here and you are not. I want you to be alive and crying. I want to hear and see you. So many days I just can't cope because I miss you so much. That angers me because I know I should be a strong mommy for you. One that you would be proud of if you were here. Not a big crying mess like I am. But I want you to know that I miss you. There is not a second of my day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. I read a quote somewhere and I don't remember it word for word but it went something like, if there were stairs to Heaven I would walk up there and bring you down to earth. And I would Blue. I would run up those stairs. I often hear song lyrics that talk about having just one more day with a loved one and what they would do. I always thought I could never do that until you came along. Now I would give anything to have one more day with you. A day where you were born and I could see you. I know I could never tell you just how much I love you and how much you mean to me in just one day but I would try. I would try to give you a million hugs and kisses too.
Some days your daddy and I just don't see eye to eye on things. But the one thing we always agree on no matter what is happening in our lives, is that we miss you and love you with all of our hearts. Blue, there will never be another one of you. You will always have my heart. I love you.
Mommy
I don't know where to begin today, so I am going to start with I love you. It was a year ago this month that your daddy and I conceived you. That means that is when you started to grow inside of my belly. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. 12 months has crept by and I still miss you like it was yesterday. I want to hold you so badly that my heart hurts thinking about it. Some days I feel such guilt because I am here and you are not. I want you to be alive and crying. I want to hear and see you. So many days I just can't cope because I miss you so much. That angers me because I know I should be a strong mommy for you. One that you would be proud of if you were here. Not a big crying mess like I am. But I want you to know that I miss you. There is not a second of my day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. I read a quote somewhere and I don't remember it word for word but it went something like, if there were stairs to Heaven I would walk up there and bring you down to earth. And I would Blue. I would run up those stairs. I often hear song lyrics that talk about having just one more day with a loved one and what they would do. I always thought I could never do that until you came along. Now I would give anything to have one more day with you. A day where you were born and I could see you. I know I could never tell you just how much I love you and how much you mean to me in just one day but I would try. I would try to give you a million hugs and kisses too.
Some days your daddy and I just don't see eye to eye on things. But the one thing we always agree on no matter what is happening in our lives, is that we miss you and love you with all of our hearts. Blue, there will never be another one of you. You will always have my heart. I love you.
Mommy
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Pumpkin for you!
Dear Blue,
Tomorrow is a big day for me. Your grandma wants to see where you are at rest. So I am going to take her to see you. But the most exciting part is that I am going to go and buy you a pumpkin for your first Halloween! I can't believe it is almost October! I miss you so much. So much that it hurts. I physically hurt Blue. Some nights I can't sleep and other times I sleep too much. I keep wondering when the hurt is going to stop, but I don't think it will ever will. I know I will never stop thinking of you, but at some point in time, I have to accept that you are gone. I have to accept that you are in heaven and the angels are taking great care of you. I have to remind myself daily that this was in God's plan, even though it angers me more than anything. I don't want to ever forget the memories of the months we shared, but I need to let go of the anger. Anger is only hurting me and not allowing me to make any steps forward. I hope that I can do this, for you, for daddy, and for myself. Anger won't bring you back. I love you Blue, I love you forever and ever.
I hope you like the pumpkin I picked for you my little 'punkin'!!!
Mommy
Tomorrow is a big day for me. Your grandma wants to see where you are at rest. So I am going to take her to see you. But the most exciting part is that I am going to go and buy you a pumpkin for your first Halloween! I can't believe it is almost October! I miss you so much. So much that it hurts. I physically hurt Blue. Some nights I can't sleep and other times I sleep too much. I keep wondering when the hurt is going to stop, but I don't think it will ever will. I know I will never stop thinking of you, but at some point in time, I have to accept that you are gone. I have to accept that you are in heaven and the angels are taking great care of you. I have to remind myself daily that this was in God's plan, even though it angers me more than anything. I don't want to ever forget the memories of the months we shared, but I need to let go of the anger. Anger is only hurting me and not allowing me to make any steps forward. I hope that I can do this, for you, for daddy, and for myself. Anger won't bring you back. I love you Blue, I love you forever and ever.
I hope you like the pumpkin I picked for you my little 'punkin'!!!
Mommy
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
September
Dear Blue,
I miss you more than ever. Sometimes I just sit for what seems like forever thinking about you. Today I had a doctors appointment and there were 3 women sitting next to me with big belly bumps. I watched them as they held their bellies, smiled as they felt their babies move, and watched them stare into a distance thinking of what was to come. I will be honest, lately I have dreaded seeing mommies like these because I was jealous. But today I sat there and watched in awe as these women nurtured their unborn children. It was a moment of peace to me. I just sat there and smiled and thought back to the 12 weeks that I had with you. Even though you were not big enough to make my belly protrude like theirs, I still rubbed my belly all the time. It was kinda like giving you a hug from the outside :) I miss you so much. Daddy does too. We talk about you often. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't wish that you were here.
I love you more than anything.
Mommy
I miss you more than ever. Sometimes I just sit for what seems like forever thinking about you. Today I had a doctors appointment and there were 3 women sitting next to me with big belly bumps. I watched them as they held their bellies, smiled as they felt their babies move, and watched them stare into a distance thinking of what was to come. I will be honest, lately I have dreaded seeing mommies like these because I was jealous. But today I sat there and watched in awe as these women nurtured their unborn children. It was a moment of peace to me. I just sat there and smiled and thought back to the 12 weeks that I had with you. Even though you were not big enough to make my belly protrude like theirs, I still rubbed my belly all the time. It was kinda like giving you a hug from the outside :) I miss you so much. Daddy does too. We talk about you often. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't wish that you were here.
I love you more than anything.
Mommy
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